Life seems to be a mess lately and no matter how much I try to weave my way out of its confusion, I find myself lost in a maze that seems to be never-ending and I wonder if I shall ever find a way out?
I can't understand why every little obsession that vexed me and every subject that has ever crossed my mind has ganged up on me and is tormenting me all at once, but no matter what the reasons are I feel that now is the time to tackle them and over-come as many fears as I can, even if I fail then at leased I can say that I've tried.
(a) The obsessions in general has been upsetting me more and more and I feel myself getting more and more angry because I realize how much it has destroyed my happiness, my peace of mind, my life and NO matter what I've attempted to do my OCD has always gotten in the way, if I'm NOT worried about food, fat and weight gain, then I'm worried about my eyes or about religion....it never gives me a break! And I can't find an answer to solve all the fears in my mind, my OCD is like an ongoing mystery and there are NO real answers, nothing to ease my fears, or make them go away or cure them like a disease. There is NO answer, NO cure, all there is left is the courage I am forced to find in myself so I can endure this war that keeps raging on within my mind.
(b) If my obsessions were NOT enough I have another issue that I often find myself thinking about and even though it doesn't disturb me half as much as my obsessions, I know that someday I shall have to face it and there is no better time then the present....I cannot explain this feeling I have but sometimes I think I could be a lesbian, if NOT that then bisexual because I like men too, but here is the fun part I don't want any sexual relationship with anyone, woman or man, I only want friends, close friends that I love and thats it....I don't need it to go any further. I cannot love a husband more then every other friend or foe I have, I cannot expect myself to have special feelings for just one person and push everyone else away to arms length. I love....but I can love anyone, my family and my friends, man or woman, I love all the people in my life for all different reasons but at the end of the day I want to go home by myself, write, read, fiddle around, turn off the light and go to bed-alone. I don't crave sex of any nature and sometimes I feel that is so unhuman but its true for me! And I don't know how to live any other way, sometimes I think "someday I will find that special friend that I will share a house with" but when I envision that friend, it isn't a man...I have NO desire to have a lesbian relationship with anyone nor do I want a straight one, I want nothing other then an intellual friendship and to share my life with that person. That is all! That is where I know I would find peace but where am I to find a relationship like that?
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